Day 8: Someone who made your life hell, or treated you like poopy.

well this one is easy. the person that has treated me the worst and made my life hell is myself. sure that have been others but no one has treated me worse than i have treated myself.

Day 7: Someone who has made your life worth living for.

well this an easy one for me. the only way to answer this for me is my kids and my granddaughter. they are what gets me up in the morning and help me stay clean. they are my all my everything.

Day 6: Something you hope you never have to do.

My best friend Denise recently lost her son Jamie. This is something I hope to never do, bury one of my children. Jamie was like a son to me to in fact I spent more time with him than my own kids for alot of years and I know how hard it has been for me to deal with I cant even imagine the pain his Mother is going thru.
My Grandma also buried her youngest child and I know that it must get easier but then again its also been over 30 years for her.
This is still affecting my everyday thinking. I think about him and times we spent together alot and I hurt not only that he is gone but also that we had not talked for awhile and now I will never get the chance to tell him how much he ment to me or to say good-bye. I will always miss him and hope he knows just how much he was loved.
It has had some positive affects on my life. I know that just because they are young it don't mean that they will be here tomorrow so if there's something that needs to be worked out or you need to forgive someone for something there is no time like the present cuz you never know if you will have tomorrow.

Day 5: Something you hope to do in your life.

I really dont want much.
I dream of a life where I have a decent job to support my family a life where I can stay out of trouble and off paper which that part will never happen as long as I am in Ogden. I just want to be happy and content although sometimes it seems as if I'm asking for the impossible. that's really all I want to do in my life is just to be happy.

Day 4: Something you have to forgive someone for.

I always think that I have forgiven my Mom and let things go but every time something goes wrong in my life all of a sudden its because I'm messed up cuz of my Mom. So maybe I still need to forgive her in some way. I don't feel anger towards her in fact I love her very much and wish I could spend more time with her. She has always been there for me and for my daughter the last 20 years. Sometimes I feel like its maybe that my son is treated different like I was, I know how it feels to be the bad one the one that no one really ever gets to know. So maybe that's part of it. I don't know I just feel like I should forgive her. Not blame what my step dad did on her its not like she wasn't abused by the man too she was but I was always angry she didn't get us out sooner. People think I'm angry cuz she wasn't in my life much but I'm not. Her walking away and leaving me with Pa and Grams is the best thing she ever did for me. I was safe warm and taken care of I learned that someone didn't have to beat the shit out of you to show they loved you. I found out what home was. So I thank her for that and for the fact it gave me the opportunity to get to know Pa who has always been the one I could count on and talk to. I miss him everyday!
Someday maybe I will get down to the heart of the issue and quit blaming it all on her when I know its just that I'm not wired right in my brain.

day 3 something i have to forgive myself for

The biggest thing and there are many is the fact that I robbed myself of the chance to be a Mother to my children and robbed them of a Mother. I spent the better part of my life addicted to drugs in and out of different institutions and moving from one place to another. I wasn't around to be a Mother to my children I guess sometimes history does repeat itself since I didn't see my Mother much when I was growing up.
My kids are now grown and my daughter even has a daughter of her own. I see my granddaughter grow and I think of all things I missed with my own kids and it makes me sad.
I know there's no way I can ever change the past and no way to make up for missing them grow and become the people they are. I just hope that someday I will find a way to forgive myself and that they can someday forgive me.

day 2 something I love about myself!

OK well something I love about myself is the fact that I love people! All people I dont care what shape, color, set your from,or what your into. I love to meet new people and get to know them. Some of the dirtiest grungiest people I have met are also some of the kindest big hearted real people I have ever met.
I see so much ugly in this world, so much ugly in my neighborhood. I live in poor neighborhood where you see all the homeless people standing on the corners with signs, the rescue mission is just up the street and you are surrounded by gang violence. But in the midst of all of it are some of the most beautiful people on the inside that you will ever meet. They are true honest and even though they have nothing they would give you the shirt off their back.